Alleluia!

I have been so blessed to spend the last 3 1/2 days in silence with Our Lord. Even more so by the location. The retreat facility was set on a cliff overlooking a mountain stream in the Canadian Rocky foot hills. In the near distance were the beautiful Rockies that I miss from my youth. These Spiritual Exercises were so needed (thank you St. Ignatius) and I have come away feeling refreshed and renewed, and wary. Wary, because we were warned by our director that the first 24 - 48 hours are a time in which we may face opposition to all we experienced during our retreat.
And while it was wonderful to spend all of that time in silence with Jesus and to be spiritually renewed, it is so good to be home to this beautiful family of mine. 4 small faces eagerly pressed up to mine, anxious to tell me of all of their adventures. One extra small boy who is quickly growing and learning words that ring so sweetly upon my tired ears. Words like "mama" and "aweooya"(alleluia-learnt from the Regina Caeli). One extra big boy who loves me in a way no other human does on earth. He loves me enough to let me go be with my most beloved Lord for 4 days while he watches over hearth and home and does not begrudge it. Maybe because I'm such a better wife for it, when I return home.
Thank you Lord Jesus for all of your gifts, living and reigning now and forever! Amen!!

Right! It's not about me!

After having a good talk with a good friend yesterday, spiritual guidance and an hour with our Lord, I finally remembered that it's not about me. It's about Christ first and others next.
This and a couple of other blogs, (thank you Mrs. Foss and Mrs. Bean) has led me to looking at my house and it's structure. I hate housework. I never seem to make any headway. What's done is undone within minutes. And there's so many other things that I'd rather be doing. So I just don't bother. But do I love my family and especially my husband enough to make a warm inviting home for them? Yes. So I will plug away at becoming more organized. Let's call it my Easter resolution. I'm off the computer and onto my control journal. School will also be receiving more structure, much to Becca's dismay! Here I go.
Mary, my mother, pray for us!

Bitter Sweet

My mom is dead. She died early Monday morning. Dad and I took her into Emerg on Saturday evening because she was having stomach pain - which escalated as the evening progressed. The doc admitted her and Dad and I stayed with her until after 11. She'd get a little short of breath and panic and then hyperventilate. She'd forget to breathe through her nose, where the oxygen was and it'd take awhile to talk her down. Dad and I finally went home. She called Dad in again and he stayed until 5 am at which point she sent him home.
Sunday after Mass, I stopped by. She was more comfortable, but she had some pain in her back that the meds just weren't touching. I rubbed it for the longest time. I emptied her commode for her at her request - she didn't want to inconvenience the nurses. I talked to her doctor about her depression. He told me not to underestimate how sick my mother was. I truly didn't think I was. She wanted to die, but I didn't think that her systems were ready for that yet. She asked me if I'd phoned Donald, or Allan and I said I would. I told her that we needed to talk about arrangements and what not and she said there's no hurry. This wasn't going to be "IT" and she was going to come home tomorrow. I said I'd be back that evening and I left when everyone showed up. That evening I played and read with the kids, had a bath and went to bed early. I didn't go back. I was going in the next day. I thought I had more time.
Dad phoned me at 5:30am. The nurse had checked Mom at 4:45 and she was resting easy. At 5:05 the IV alarm went off and she went into check and Mom was gone.
This week has been awful. I asked God for a consolation. And looking back He's given so many. I just didn't recognize them at the time. Dad was upset that Mom died alone - God showed me that He was there with her. I've had so many prayers offered, so many offers of help, so much food brought to me. I am so close to my Dad right now - something that's never happened before. And I'm pregnant. I'm so grateful - but I'm so sad to think of this pregnancy without Mom. This newborn without Mom. She's always been there before.
Tomorrow is the funeral. I'm delivering the eulogy, which I'll post later. God grant me the grace to do this well. To do justice to Mom. Of course, for Your Glory always. I'm so sorry for my doubt, for my anger. "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief".

The Betta is Dead!

We have hosted many pet fish. We had an exceptionally long lived gold fish, who we named Uber Fish, because no matter the neglect, he refused to die. But eventually he did and is now resting under my rose bush (which, incidentally, has done exceptionally well. Coincidence? I think not).
Last year, Becca prevailed upon us to get her a fish. She was going to be very responsible and she was. But this week saw the passing on of Rainbow. Which she handled with some sorrow, but was remarkably resigned.
Now she's campaigning for a lizard, or a snake. She's being very helpful and very pleasant. Which is very good. Will I really have to reward this behaviour with something that eats live bugs? Please spare me. What patron saint to I appeal to?

Persistance

Monday evening was spent waiting. First waiting for Justin to come home, so that I could take Alexander to the hospital, then waiting in the hospital waiting room, and then waiting for a verdict.
Our poor giraffe was close to dehydration. The verdict was returned that he wasn't dehydrated yet, but close. In order to learn this, they had to take blood. I thought we'd be in trouble and there'd be a fight. Xander is notoriously stubborn. But instead he was exceptionally brave. The reward offered to him for this bravery was a choice between two Ty Beanie Baby Bears. This was not what he wanted and no amount of cajoling was going to convince him that a bear would do. He had heard someone mention stickers in passing and he had set his mind and will on stickers. Which he finally got.
I know that someday his persistence will be a boon. It will serve him well. He will not be easily swayed by world influences. He will be his own man as he is his own boy now.
But sometimes I wish for just a wee bit more compliance. For example, when we had to give him a Gravol. Suppository.

Preparing for Advent

History does repeat itself. Quite frequently, in fact. Take for example Christ the King last year. We were sick. That's how we began the new liturgical year and this year seems no different. Even similar viruses. Last year we braved the weather (-32 C) and drove to Edmonton for the Feast of Christ the King. We did this despite the ominous signs that something viral was headed our way. Justin had been soooo sick just 3 days before. I optimistically figured that no one was going to get it if we hadn't been sick yet. How wrong I was. Patrick was ignominiously sick in the bathroom of the very nice hotel where dinner was hosted. And then again on the way home. And the next day. Then it was Xander, then Rebecca, then Matthew (all 2 months of him - that was very scary), then me and then my Mom, who had so bravely nursed the last of us. This took us to two weeks before Christmas.
So this year, I had planned on attending the Feast, giving a real good week to school and then the remainder of Advent spent readying our home and hearts for the arrival of Baby Jesus. And here we are again, sick. God, I don't know what You're trying to tell me, but I wish I'd get the message sooner than later.

Things I Won't Do For Money

The other day, as I was plucking some disgusting item off of the garbage can, it occurred to me that there are things that I would not do if people paid me. These things include :

1. Changing poopy bums.
2. Scraping a sample of the above into a small receptacle and delivering sample to the doctor.
3. Cleaning up vomit.
4. Cleaning up vomit or otherwise soiled bedding in the middle of the night and offering comfort and a smile.
5. Sharing my bed with a rotating number of people who snore, punch, kick, push, drool or leak.
6. Clean up "mystery" messes.

I can't imagine the circumstances that would induce me to perform the above for money. I will, however, do them for love. Occasionally, I even get a gooey kiss and hug out of it. There is nothing quite like a snuggle from some wee warm body who thinks you can fix everything, to put it all into perspective.

Amen!