Death and Dying

This week seems a fitting one to write this post. Our beautiful Mother Church in her mercy and wisdom offers us the loving feast days of All Saints and All Souls, where we can celebrate the transition from this world to the next. We pray for the souls of those who go before us and are unable to pray for themselves and we ask for their intercession as well as those we know are part of the Church Triumphant.
Two years ago I was travelling this road with little understanding of the beauty of these teachings. I knew some of them in theory, but that means little when your heart is hard and hurting. I should have turned to the Cross and clinged to our Lord. I should have walked with Our Lady the Via Dolorosa, but I did not. I only wanted what I wanted and I did not want my mom to die. I wanted her healed and whole, not suffering and dying.
This brings us to the present where one of the most holy people I know is dying. His is a family that lives close to Christ and has embraced me in prayer and friendship time and time again. He is suffering with cancer and heart disease, but is doing so with patience and dignity. Here is a man who is living in Christ's shadow. His wife is walking with the Blessed Virgin. But this is not a road that is foreign to them. They walked this walk with their daughter 15 years or so ago and earlier this summer when their grandson was killed in a car accident. There could be bitterness reigning, but there is joy and hope. The lessons this family continues to teach me are humbling to say the least.
May the Souls of the Faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen

Bitter Sweet

My mom is dead. She died early Monday morning. Dad and I took her into Emerg on Saturday evening because she was having stomach pain - which escalated as the evening progressed. The doc admitted her and Dad and I stayed with her until after 11. She'd get a little short of breath and panic and then hyperventilate. She'd forget to breathe through her nose, where the oxygen was and it'd take awhile to talk her down. Dad and I finally went home. She called Dad in again and he stayed until 5 am at which point she sent him home.
Sunday after Mass, I stopped by. She was more comfortable, but she had some pain in her back that the meds just weren't touching. I rubbed it for the longest time. I emptied her commode for her at her request - she didn't want to inconvenience the nurses. I talked to her doctor about her depression. He told me not to underestimate how sick my mother was. I truly didn't think I was. She wanted to die, but I didn't think that her systems were ready for that yet. She asked me if I'd phoned Donald, or Allan and I said I would. I told her that we needed to talk about arrangements and what not and she said there's no hurry. This wasn't going to be "IT" and she was going to come home tomorrow. I said I'd be back that evening and I left when everyone showed up. That evening I played and read with the kids, had a bath and went to bed early. I didn't go back. I was going in the next day. I thought I had more time.
Dad phoned me at 5:30am. The nurse had checked Mom at 4:45 and she was resting easy. At 5:05 the IV alarm went off and she went into check and Mom was gone.
This week has been awful. I asked God for a consolation. And looking back He's given so many. I just didn't recognize them at the time. Dad was upset that Mom died alone - God showed me that He was there with her. I've had so many prayers offered, so many offers of help, so much food brought to me. I am so close to my Dad right now - something that's never happened before. And I'm pregnant. I'm so grateful - but I'm so sad to think of this pregnancy without Mom. This newborn without Mom. She's always been there before.
Tomorrow is the funeral. I'm delivering the eulogy, which I'll post later. God grant me the grace to do this well. To do justice to Mom. Of course, for Your Glory always. I'm so sorry for my doubt, for my anger. "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief".