I think for the most part I am a positive person. It always comes as a shock to me when someone is mean. I feel blindsided, naive and a little stupid. Stupid as in "how did I not see that coming" stupid. And it taints things. It's similar to have a handful of fresh raspberries and there's one in there that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And that's how I am feeling about people right now. I don't understand being nice to someone, while really you're simmering below. I cannot do that. I am always civil but that is the extent of it. I cannot pretend to like someone. Junior high was a long time ago for me, and I can do nicely without the drama. So now I feel bruised and confused and unable to trust.
I also don't understand why I care. Why should it matter? Why isn't Jesus enough for me? Why do I need other people's acceptance? Oh and I miss my mom right now. Maybe our relationship was too dependant, but I always felt accepted and loved and never so lonely when Mom was around. I just miss her so much. The expression that time heals is a lie. It dulls the pain because you can't live in that extreme for too long, but the hurt is still there waiting to erupt like a festering sore. Again, why can't I just be happy for her? Too selfish I expect.
Toddlers always help with loneliness. They are always ready with a hug and a cuddle.
